dear abc: how to mend a broken heart

Dear Kimberly/Kim/ABC,

I debated sending you this e-mail for a month or so now. I hope you don’t think this is weird, because it might be crossing some line, but I don’t know – I feel like you were the right person to ask. I’ve been a fan of your blogs (La Couturier and now ABC!!) for what seems like a few years now, and from what I read, you do seem like the type everyone turns to for advice. You come across as strong, independent, determined and your’e only eighteen. I guess you’re kind of an inspiration for me, especially after reading your posts about being single on Valentine’s Day.

2 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years. Well, he broke up with me. I really thought he was the love of my life, and to keep a long story short, I’m still hurting. I tried to get over it. But I can’t. I don’t want to sound pathetic but I feel like one of those girls in movies who just cry their hearts out on the floor and eat their sadness away… I’m twenty-something and it’s kind of ridiculous, but honestly, I don’t know how to deal with the heartbreak.

I was hoping you could help me in some way? I’m so sorry if I’ve crossed the lines, but I guess I’m desperate, and you seemed like you’d know! Don’t feel like you have to respond though. Just by e-mailing you I feel a little better already.

Thanks for being a listening ear. And keep up the amazing work on your blog, I love reading your little stories!!

Best,

J.

. . .

Dearest J.: You’ve already gotten my ramble of an e-mail, but I can’t help but write it here again: I’m humbled speechless, and so touched by your kind words – but even more so that you had thought highly enough of my little blog and I to e-mail me for advice. It’s hard to put to words my feelings – the only thing I can say without running over to wherever you (and any other girl with a broken heart) is to give you a massive hug is thank you.

I hope you don’t mind that I’ve re-used (and re-edited) my post from here; the situation is similar, and I feel like I had written all that I wanted best then.

So this is to J. and to any other girl who is dealing with a broken heart: remember this. You’re not weak or pathetic. Never think that. It is you who must be congratulated because you’re compassionate, and you’re one of the brave bunch who have willingly opened themselves up to love, knowing well the consequences that would come with a potential break-up. Better to have loved, and been loved, than not at all.

Dealing with heartbreaks is hardly easy; mending your broken heart is even more difficult. Sometimes all you want to do is seclude yourself from everything, immersing yourself in an empty void of loneliness parallel to the one you feel in your heart. Numbing your own feelings and ignoring what happened seems the only way to forget it – but instead, you are forcing yourself to stay where you are and preventing yourself – and your heart – from moving on. As painful as heartbreak is, it is inevitable – disappointment does exist in this not-so-perfect world of ours. It is only human to feel the hurt and betrayal; to scream, to cry yourself to sleep, to be angry. Those are real, healthy emotions.

But as strange as it seems, that hurt helps you grow, allowing you to become a stronger person. Of course there is always the possibility of heartbreak to impact someone in a negative way, depending on the magnitude of the situation or his/her personality. But it is more often than not that a heartbreak leaves a positive mark on someone. The pain is only a part of the growing process; the rest is self realization, a finding of happiness on your own, and indulging in that single status.

Writing this is rather difficult for me, I must admit – perhaps that’s why I’ve put it off for just a bit. I have not yet gone through a heartbreak or a breakup. So this is one article I write not from personal experience, but from what I have been exposed to. I have seen friends fall in love, then fall out of love. Or fall in love and have it end with tears of hurt and confusion. Thus established, I shall write of what I’ve done to help and perhaps how I would potentially handle the mending of a heartbreak if I should be in that position.

{+} Immerse yourself not in loneliness, but with ones you love. Plan outings with friends or a sleepover with the girls – your friends have always been there for you through whenever and wherever. They will be the first to be by your side, offering you all the support and comfort you need to get through this. So let them. A bit of retail therapy helps, of course, since it does (1) take your mind off of the recent heartbreak (2) a little shopping always helps (3) spotting cuties is always a plus. And gossiping away with the girls is one of the best ways to vent and let out those feelings. You can cry, scream, blow your nose. Guaranteed, your girls will be there for you. So don’t push them away.

{+} Write. Even if you’ve never kept a journal, it is the perfect time to simply grab a sheet or open up a new Word document. Write/type as much and as long as you need to do let all those negative feelings out of your system. I do know this: if I’m ever feeling down or angry at something/someone, as I type or write away, (as weird as this is) it seems that all those feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion flow out of me and onto that paper/screen. They need not be pent-up within you.

{+} Indulge. Yes gluttony is bad, and comfort food isn’t always the best way to relieve yourself of sadness, but a little bit of indulgence here and there isn’t too much of a bad thing. Pampering yourself allows you to love yourself. Being selfish allows you to realize that you don’t need him/her to make you feel special. Buy a box of truffles, treat yourself to a little present. Why not?

{+} Retail therapy works. Indulgence sans the calories. Healthier for you, maybe not so much for your wallet, but trust me when I say it works. Sometimes it does take a little pampering to make you feel proud and beautiful again, whether it be a new lipstick, a new outfit, a pair of heels made for stomping. Like they say: fake it ’til you make it. If you feel good about how you look, you’ll smile at the reflection in the mirror, and eventually you’ll genuinely feel that way. Start from the outside in; break that shell and in the process of slowly chipping away this barrier you’ve built, you re-learn who you are. Who you’ve become.

{+} Take a walk. If the weather permits, that is. On the western hemisphere it is getting warmer (finally!). Wake up early, grab a coat and a banana (bananas release endorphins!), and take a walk. No iPod, no phone – nothing. Just you and the morning air, and a few critters and cars that happen to be awake. It’s the best time to do some thinking without any interruption. And a breath of fresh air always clears the mind. If the weather is terrible, or just plain cold, walk around in a museum. Art is a beautiful thing; allow yourself to be surrounded by it. And museums are always quiet – also another perfect environment for thinking.

{+} Do some yoga. Exercise. Dance. Why? Because yoga relaxes the mind, the soul, and the body. And exercising (jogging, sports, dancing) releases endorphins. Sign up for a gym membership – going daily will allow you to take your mind off of your sadness, or just redirect your emotions to something positive. It’s guaranteed you’ll feel exponentially better about yourself after even just half an hour at the gym. Join a dance class for a day; allowing your body to move to the music is rather relaxing. If I ever am upset or mad before dancing, those feelings always end up leaving rather magically. All I feel is the music. Or take a brisk walk: bask in the sun, breathe the fresh air, and just take in your surroundings.

{+} Embrace being single. This is perhaps the most difficult and final step of the process, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a year or more. It seems impossible to be single, as if you don’t know how anymore. But give it time; after mending, you must come to terms with your newfound relationship status. Embracing it comes later on. While love is a beautiful thing, independence has its own benefits. Because when you’re single, you have no commitments. Meaning yes, you can finally flirt with the adorable boy at your favorite coffee shop knowing that there is no one who will hold you back in giving him your number. Make his day, and give yourself a little boost of confidence. Being single means seeing through your eyes again – perspectives change from an entity to an individual. Remember what it’s like to be you.

{+} Remember the memories. You let down your guard and opened up to someone else – it’s a difficult feat in itself. But rather than dwell on the relationship in its last (dwindling) moments, remember – and celebrate – the beginning. The happiest moments. The nervousness you felt on your first date, your first kiss, and the times when you both simply schlepped around in sweatpants watching silly movies. These are the moments that count.

I do hope this helps you, J., and anyone else who is in need of this. It’s nothing new, ingenious, or original, quite honestly. All of what you’ve heard, but hopefully, is still helpful in compiling what I do know in one place.

. . .

bises! x

{The e-mail has been re-published with the senders’ permission; names have been changed for privacy’s sake!}